New Airbnb Experiences for Tired Adults3 min read
Are you overworked at a job with such a grim break room that it makes the office in “Severance” look like a fun orgy château? Has your past self’s deluded optimism resulted in a massively overbooked social calendar? Are you subscribed to a million Substacks that all regurgitate the same discourse on how the U.S.-China trade war is impacting stay-at-home dads?
From the short-term-rental company that brought you sleepless nights spent wondering if the ceiling fan has a secret camera in it come some riveting new Airbnb Experiences, specifically designed to cater to tired adults.
Disclaimer: We take our customers’ safety seriously. If your Airbnb Experience host forces you to do an activity that makes you feel even more exhausted—such as touching your toes or calling your mom—please reach out to our support staff.
Origami-Folding and Cleaning Your Raccoon’s Nest of an E-Mail In-Box, with Ayumi (Tokyo)
People who are into crafts and also checking their e-mail during quality time with their kids rave about this experience. Ayumi, an origami expert who can slip you Xanax under the table, will teach you origami-folding in her charming Tokyo home. But don’t let her calm veneer mask her true skill—liberating you from your festering swamp of seventy-five thousand four hundred and twelve unread J. Crew sales alerts and conspiracy rants from your uncle. You will walk out of this experience with a ton of paper cranes, and leave behind your fatigue.
Bar-Crawling and Yelling at an Overworked Assistant, with Brandon (Miami)
For just fifty-five dollars, you’ll get to experience Miami’s hottest bars while forcing your “new assistant” Brandon to do whatever you want, even seeing live theatre. Have you been putting off scheduling that annual checkup because you’re exhausted but also scared that you might have elbow cancer? Brandon will embark on a hero’s journey on your behalf and actually dial a real phone. In desperate need of a human cushion for your fifth nap of the day? Brandon will wear up to four Canada Goose jackets on which you can rest your weary bones. (Time limit: when Brandon loses circulation.)
Airbnb Experience available only in Florida.
Taco-Tasting and Protecting Yourself from Draining Small Talk, with Juanita (Mexico City)
Get ready for a culinary experience bursting with authentic Mexican flavors. Spice up your day by letting Juanita gently whisper into your ear that you are not obligated to ask how your co-worker’s weekend was when you know that all he did was feel overwhelmed by the number of Chrome tabs he has open. As Juanita takes you to all of her favorite taquerias around Mexico City, she’ll educate you on the history of this weird social norm. Juanita’s hospitality will surely ease your burden as she defends you from small-talk initiators. (Allergy warning: this Experience is not for you if you have a fake gluten allergy—Juanita can only take so much.)
Vibing to the Acoustic Beats of Jason Mraz While Platonically Spooning Other Tired Adults Inside a Mega-Hammock, with Kyle (Joshua Tree)
Discontinued because Kyle died after falling asleep inside a porta-potty at Coachella.
Cruising the Autobahn While Listening to a Summary of That Online Class You’ve Been Stalled at Five-Per-Cent Completion on for Two Years, with Hans (Berlin)
Take a deep breath, relax, and get ready to experience a tranquil motor adventure. Hans Hansen—a former Formula 1 driver who was banned for accidentally maiming a photographer during a prize ceremony where he uncorked a champagne bottle too fast—will drive you along Germany’s scenic Autobahn while summarizing that online class on D.I.Y. plumbing that you fell asleep to. But don’t feel shame for resting! You’re totally wiped out from processing your seventy-five thousand four hundred and twelve unread e-mails and dealing with a labor lawsuit from Brandon.
Traditional Kenyan Cooking and Excuse-Making for Cancelling Plans Because You’re Just Too Fucking Exhausted, with Akeyo (Nairobi)
Don’t miss out on one of our most popular Airbnb Experiences! Prior customers frequently skip the culinary portion and go straight into Akeyo’s brilliant seminar on cooking up all the different versions of “no.”
Just Napping Until the Day You Feel Like a Rejuvenated, Radiant Baby Who Is Finally Free from the Million Taxing Demands on Your Insignificant but Self-Involved Life, with Tanya (Online)
Sold out. ♦